Before I give you my non-paid sales pitch about Linkedin and how to use Linkedin. Let me explain the background information needed to understand sites like Linkedin, Facebook & Twitter

First thing you want to know is that all social networking sites are part of the Web 2.0 evolution of online applications. Back in 2004 Tim O’Rielly of O’Reilly Media was credited with first using the term, “Web 2.0″.

This term was used to describe the evolution of traditional websites from one way communication to two way communication to all out user driven content and interaction.

The strange thing about the concept of Web 2.0 is that in 2004 Tim Berners-Lee who is the inventor of the World Wide Web, said the following:

 ”I think Web 2.0 is, of course, a piece of jargon, nobody even knows what it means. If Web 2.0 for you is blogs and wikis, then that is people to people. But that was what the Web was supposed to be all along.” (source: http://www.ibm.com/developerworks/podcast/dwi/cm-int082206txt.html)

Fast forward to 2010, Mr. Berners-Lee now has a Linkedin profile: Click here to go to his Linkedin profile

Keep in mind, that Mr. Berners-Lee was trying to say that there is no difference between Web 1.0, 2.0 or even Web 1000.993 when we get there. To him it is all the same; a means for people to interact and connect.

Enter Linkedin. Socio-Professional Interactive Application Extraordinaire!

If you are a working professional, then you need to be on Linkedin. It is an incredible networking site and everyone that matters is on it. It is not a job site, although 80% of recruiters use it. And 90% of users are open to hearing about opportunities. Even still, it is not a job site. It is a social networking site for professionals.

The information you post on Linkedin can be used to find jobs, build relationships within your industry or just give people a place to find you on the web.

Check out this Linkedin demographic chart, it should give you an idea of what kind of people are on it:

Here are some key stats from this chart:

69% of Linkedin users earn $60k – to more than $100k

75% of Linkedin users hold a Bachelors degree or greater

68% of Linkedin users are 35 years old and older

What do these stats tell you? They tell me that the educated working professionals with money are on Linkedin exchange ideas and opportunities with one another.

Sounds like they kinds of people that I want to know and would like to introduce myself to. What you don’t want to be is that person who gets on Linkedin after they have lost their job. It does not work like that.

You have to build some sort of network equity before it can be of any use to you. So get started now before something better comes along, then you will be even more behind the times.

Also, don’t worry if you don’t have a bunch of connections at first, that is not the point of being on Linkedin. You want to build as many quality connections as you can. These are connections are people of influence within your industry.

Keep in mind that it will take time to build up your professional contact list, but once you have done it; the value of it can not be quantified.

A perfect example of a well utilized Linkedin account is of Nayeem Chowdhury, North American Recruiting Manager for one of the worlds largest conglomerates.  Click here to check out his Linkedin profile

While you are on his profile go ahead and send him an invite. Go ahead and send me an invite to, I will gladly accept: My Linkedin Profile

You will notice that Mr. Chowdhury is connected to 2,800+ professionals. But they are not a random 2,800, they are all high value contacts within the Oil & Gas industry. Through these contacts, Mr. Chowdhury is able  to establish his presence in the Oil & Gas industry. He is also able to follow people around as they change jobs, move to different cities, etc…

Some of you are thinking, “my email does that.” Sure, your email is a place for you to be contacted online, but no one is looking for your email address.  The people who have social profiles up are the ones who are being found online and get first dibs at the best opportunities.

Here is the bottom line, being on Linkedin will not break your career. But there are a lot of great connections and opportunities that you are missing out on. Since I have been on Linkedin, I have made numerous friends with quality backgrounds who I know will help me if I ever need the help and I will gladly help if they ever need it.

If want a great presence on Linkedin, but don’t know how to achieve it. Then shoot me a message and I will gladly answer any of your questions. And if you come back to my blog in a couple of days, I will have posted a, “How to Use Social Media to find Jobs Video.”

Till then, Make it Happen!

Visit: http://www.akajohsanders.com to see the rest of my blog posts and videos on jobs.

Original post: ERE.net Community

Searching for a job is time consuming. Finding a job that you will enjoy and stay with will likely take even longer. However, if you aren’t currently working it is probably best if you approach your job search like you would your typical job, full time. A few hours a week won’t get you very far in the job market so if you are serious about your job search plan on putting some quality time into your efforts.

If you do decide to put in 40 hours a week here is a suggestion on how you should break your schedule down to accomplish your goals.

40% Job Searching – Whether you choose to look on the major job boards or the newspaper or go to job fairs you should be using the majority of your time to find the perfect opportunity. Out of the box ways of finding jobs that would also introduce some fun into your life include: Local networking events, attending Chamber of Commerce Meetings, Happy Hours near the closest business park in your area, joining a local alumni association/meetings. You can also focus on reading the career newspapers in your area, the classifieds ads, craigslist ads, or networking with local professionals you know. Remember: the more ways to get your name out in the ears of hiring managers the better.

25% Interviewing – Whether it is a phone interview or face to face interview you should be fully prepared for your interviews. Make sure everything is pressed, you’ve gotten enough sleep, you have extra copies of your resume, etc. One common mistake is that candidates for the job do not make sure they know how to get to the interview beforehand. Prepare by going by the location first, timing your route, making sure there’s no construction, and so on. A great way to kill your interview is to show up late.

15% Resume Writing – As I have mentioned in previous blogs it is essential that you format your resume and cover letter to reflect your experience as it relates to the job qualifications and requirements posted on the job order. Resume reformatting is not easy and it is easy to become dejected when you apply to so many jobs and make your resume specific for each one. However, do not underestimate the importance of this practice. Its logical to assume that if you use the same resume for every job you will likely get the same results every time.

10% Follow Up – Make sure to write thank you letters, follow up with the hiring managers, and accurately track your interview progress. Follow up is essential to know how you did, where you can improve, or if you are in contention for the position.

10% Personal Time – Use some personal time to get your mind off the job search. You know you take personal time at work so you should do it in this case as well. Common studies suggest that taken time to yourself during the workday can actually increase productivity.

by Stephen Lytle

Original post created by: ERE.net Community

Since our original 2005 study, a growing number of influential companies have fundamentally changed their views about the value of female talent, putting into place policies that support and sustain women’s ambition despite the detours that life throws in the way.

For example, in 2004, the overwhelming reason for accomplished women to downshift from their high-speed career track — or even get off entirely — was childcare. Now, programs like Goldman Sachs’ “Great Expectations” Maternity Strategy strengthens the firm’s comprehensive maternity leave with “Keeping in Touch” days for returning mothers, assigning maternity mentors (women who have successfully returned to work after childbirth), and training managers to support their employees throughout the maternity cycle. Similarly, Intel’s New Parent Reintegration Program supports new parents — both fathers and mothers — struggling with the transition back to full-time work by permitting them to coordinate flexible work arrangements, including telecommuting and part-time and staggered hours, for as long as they and their managers agree.

But our new survey, which used the same questionnaire and sampling a similar pool of women, discovered that the ground had shifted.

Although childcare is still the main impetus for off-ramping, eldercare is becoming an important concern, cited by 30 percent of 2009 respondents compared to 24 percent in 2004. The bump is likely due to demographics, as a larger proportion of the American population moves into old age. And while off-ramping for childcare tends to occur at the mean age of 31, when a woman is at the beginning of her career trajectory, off-ramping for eldercare hits baby boomers at the peak of their powers, sucker-punching their careers and prematurely eradicating a company’s top talent. That’s where programs like Moody’s Backup Childcare and Eldercare makes a huge difference. Through a partnership with Bright Horizons, a national provider of work-life services, the program offers employees up to 20 days of care, at rates far below the average market price. Employees are even able to utilize the eldercare program from other states; for example, a New York City-based employee with a sick mother in Florida can request a caregiver to visit her mother in her home.

But that’s not all. Over a quarter of the women in our sample were single and 38 percent of them were childless. Yet even without the pulls of childcare, these women off-ramp in significant numbers — 14 percent of single, never married women have taken a break at some point during their careers, as do 31 percent of childless women. Moreover, 44 percent of childless off-rampers cited an unsatisfactory or disappointing career as a major factor in their decision to depart, while 28 percent said they felt stalled.

No matter what their reason for taking a break, the vast majority of highly qualified women want to return to work. Yet just 73 percent of highly qualified women who want to get back to work succeed in finding a job, and only 40 percent of these were able to find full-time, mainstream jobs.

With the majority of college degrees going to women, the face of future talent is predominantly female. Rather than stand by as the off-ramp undertow wreaks havoc on the career ambitions of their accomplished women employees, corporations have a unique opportunity to throw them a lifeline. Realizing a woman’s potential for a non-linear career path is only the first step. What can your company do to attract and retain the best and brightest over the long haul?

Carolyn Buck Luce is the Global Life Sciences Sector Leader for Ernst & Young in New York and co-founder of the Hidden Brain Drain Task Force. This post was written with Carolyn Buck Luce.

The original is here, by Sylvia Ann Hewlett @ Harvard Business Publishing

]]> http://fixcv.com/do-your-legwork-to-score-that-job-3913.html/feed 0 http://fixcv.com/are-you-hoarding-or-sharing-5259.html http://fixcv.com/are-you-hoarding-or-sharing-5259.html#comments Tue, 17 Aug 2010 09:23:28 +0000 zeddunseteece http://fixcv.com/are-you-hoarding-or-sharing-5259.html A client asked me “should I put the PDF of my resume on my personal website and keep the Word document to myself? I don’t want someone downloading it and stealing the content.”

A fellow resume writer told me “I never put my best samples online because someone might steal my designs.”

And a web designer once suggested to me that we only show partial sample resumes on our site “to stop people copying your work.”

Think about that for a moment … the client would be prepared to lose out on job opportunities because her resume wasn’t accessible online. The resume writer is willing to have people make buying decisions based on work that isn’t the best she can do. And if the web designer had his way, potential Blue Sky clients would have to try and judge our work based only on snippets.

And all for what? To stop someone copying a resume?

Look, there are no new ideas under the sun. That great idea for a resume layout you had? Someone else has had it too. You’re just not that special.

Also, no one can copy what you do although they may try. Every now and then potential clients send us resumes that they clearly copied from this website. But their attempt never comes close to the original, and that’s is why they eventually get in touch and ask for help.

And by the way, if the worst that happens is that an unemployed person with very little money is able to take some of my ideas and use them to get a new job and put food on the table – well, that’s not such a bad outcome.

Whether you are selling a service, or whether you are selling yourself for potential employment opportunities, showing anything less than your best is nuts. Put your best resume online in all formats. Show your best work samples when you go for interviews. If you have a design portfolio, upload your most creative work. If you’re a writer, share your top articles.

Hoarding knowledge is for little kids taking tests. The rest of us should stop being so precious and share the best we can do.

View original here: Blue Sky Resumes Blog

Jonathan’s post gave me a chance to come up with some practical tips for doing just that. So here’s how you can turn your resume into a powerful marketing document using his time-tested sales principles.

Actual Proof/Track Record

The best assurance that you’ll add value in the future is showing that you have added value in the past. So emphasize results all the way through your resume. Don’t just say you have “an excellent track record of revenue and profit growth” – Prove it! Provide specifics. Pepper your resume with numbers. (And if the actual numbers are confidential, use percentages).

Here is an example of a resume that demonstrates an excellent track record and does it in a way that draws attention to the results. The key is in pulling out the results and bolding them. Note: this strategy only works if you have excellent results in every position.

Pedigree

Jonathan says “If you have any specialized training, degree, certification, license or other accreditation or qualification, share that pedigree as another touch point that demonstrates you know what you’re doing.” This applies to your resume just as much as to selling a product and it’s important to stress that pedigree upfront and not wait until the end of the resume for people to figure it out. This next resume is a perfect example. Because of the nature of my client’s profession, he wasn’t able to provide revenue or sales growth numbers. But he had an excellent pedigree and so we focused on that in his resume introduction. (This resume secured him his dream job and the secret is in that pedigree.)

Authority Endorsement

If you have worked with influential people whose names are well-known in your industry, ask them for a reference. Don’t be shy about this! A recent client who worked in the video game industry provided me with a glowing reference from the guy who designed one of the world’s best-selling video games. We used that reference prominently in his resume and cover letter by quoting the best few lines from it.

Another way to use authority endorsement on your resume is to highlight awards you have won (for recent graduates, scholarships or school honors work just as well). Awards are solid evidence that someone in authority liked your work. Here is an example of a resume that uses awards as a primary sales pitch for the client.

Celebrity Endorsement

This is Jonathan’s fourth point and when it comes to product marketing, we all know its true. It’s unlikely that you can get Tiger Woods or Bruce Springsteen to endorse your candidacy for that accounting job – and also unlikely that their recommendation would hold much sway! That said, I often use a version of this tactic when working with people in entertainment-related fields. if you can drop the fact that you have worked with names like Jay-Z, Lady Gaga or Oprah Winfrey into your resume, you probably will get more interviews. Partly because the fact you have worked at such a high-level suggests you are good at what you do, and partly because some people will just want to know what their favorite singer is like. (Hey, you use what you can!)

If you actually know a celebrity whose testimonial would add value, then go ahead and use them. Here is an example, where we used a testimonial from a US senator on the resume of a political cartoonist.

Another version of the celebrity endorsement is to drop the names of major companies or products . If you worked for top fortune 500 companies, or on several very successful products, name-drop those right at the start of your resume.

Social Proof

When selling a product, marketers often use testimonials from other users to convince you that the product is worth buying. You can do the same on your resume. Pull quotes from performance reviews, reference letters or LinkedIn testimonials and use them on your resume. One piece of advice though – choose testimonials that sound personal, believable and that are specific to skills needed in your target positions. Don’t choose generic or bland quotes. If it’s important to be highly organized in your next job, then choose a quote that speaks to that. And if it does it in a funny or interesting way, even better!

I recently had a client whose manager said “I continue to be disappointed with Sarah’s inability to clone herself.” I loved that! We used it right upfront in her resume and I bet it has been a big talking point in her interviews.

Here’s a resume that uses one quote prominently – a quote that focuses on exactly the skills needed for success as a video game producer.

Theoretical /Logical Proof

In some cases, you are the logical fit for the position but don’t have awards or numbers or degrees or quotes to prove it. In that case, just lay out the case for yourself in simple, clear and straightforward terms. For example, if a company is looking for a Project Manager to develop embedded software, you could just headline your resume “Senior project manager with 12 years of experience developing embedded software.” Simple but effective!

Metaphorical Proof

Jonathan describes metaphorical proof this way:

Here, you create an anecdote in the style of a metaphor where a person in a story endures a struggle or experiences a need or pain very similar to what your typical prospective buyer would experience. You set-up the problem and demonstrate the pain, then show how that person resolved their pain and solved their problem using your product, service or solution.

But how do you tell stories like this on a resume? Simple … just develop action-packed bullet points that demonstrate how you have solved problems/capitalized on opportunities for other employers. Check out this resume to see an example. Notice how we set up the situation for her first position (niche site with no room for growth) and then use the bullet points to tell stories about how she solved those problems.

When employers read stories like these, they can start to imagine how you would make an impact on their company, solve their problems, capitalize on their opportunities.

In Summary

Use as many of these different strategies as you can on your resume and you will immediately see a difference in the response rate. What works for selling toothpaste works equally well for selling you!

Original post: Blue Sky Resumes Blog

Then there was this French couple, for whom mumbling was not sufficient. They were having difficulty communicating in English, which I knew, as did everyone else in the airport, because they were in a loud argument with the gate agent. They had that Do you know who I am? posture, with some I’m not leaving until I get what I want thrown in for good measure.

I sidled in closer to hear what the commotion was about. As I understood it, they were angry because they had tickets but no seat assignment and were afraid they would be booted off the flight. The gate agent, who I later found out was able to give them a seat assignment, refused to. She assured them that they would be on the flight when — and if — it left but, she said, she had to focus on getting the flight off the ground and “Right now, no one has a seat because the flight isn’t going anywhere.”

Something was lost in translation; they heard “you don’t have a seat and you’re not going anywhere.” Which, of course, made them feel even more anxious and powerless. They reacted to this powerlessness by trying to exert power. By insisting, even louder, that they did, in fact, have a seat, just not a seat assignment, which is what they were asking for. And she had better give them that! To which she responded, and I’m quoting her: “No!”

It would be easy to give the gate agent advice on how to handle the situation more effectively. But it’s more interesting to figure out what the French couple should do. Because if you set aside who’s right in this situation and if you set aside the language barrier, what you have left is a situation we’re all in all the time: a power struggle. And the gate agent clearly had the power — she could choose to give the French couple a seat assignment or not.

Sometimes this struggle is departmental: Sales wants something from Marketing but Marketing isn’t giving it to them so Sales yells louder, maybe with a threat or two for effect. Other times, the power battle is more personal: one team member wants something from another team member and tries to use her power to get it. Sometimes, even, it works.

But more often than not, it fails. Grabbing power, especially when you don’t have it, is unpredictable, feels bad to both parties, and is bullying. The collateral damage to the relationship is almost always high. There’s got to be a better way to get what you want when you’re powerless in a situation.

Thankfully, there is, and discovering it won me a free upgrade to first class: let go of the illusion that you have any power at all. It’s getting in the way.

Instead of trying to use power you don’t have, appeal to the generosity of the person who actually has the power. People, when asked and respected, will often willingly do the exact thing they’re refusing to do when they feel like you’re pushing them.

As soon as I heard the gate agent say “No!” I stepped in. Literally. I stepped between the French couple and the agent and interrupted their conversation. I had a secret weapon: I speak French.

I asked the gate agent to give me a moment and spoke to the couple in French, explaining what the agent was saying. Then, I turned to the gate agent and explained what the couple thought she was saying.

Once everyone had calmed down, the French couple apologized and let the gate agent know that they recognized how hard the delayed flight must be on her. They said they knew she didn’t have to give them a seat assignment but explained how anxious they felt and asked whether, in this particular situation, even though she was clearly so busy trying to get the flight off the ground, she might be willing to give them seat assignments to help them. After a short conversation, she gave them new boarding passes with seat assignments.

Sometimes, it really does help to appeal to a powerful person’s generosity.

Here’s what’s interesting: in the business world, it often feels like everyone else is always the powerful person. At any moment, customers can take their business elsewhere, employees can change jobs, and colleagues can pursue their own, personal agendas.

No matter what our positional power, we’re better off appealing to people’s generosity. Even if we’re paying them, it’s useful to see those around us as volunteers. Which means issuing more requests than orders, and creating relationships built on trust and respect rather than hierarchy and politics.

If you notice other people in a power struggle, consider stepping in the middle — not to choose sides, but to bridge the gap. Sometimes people need a momentary disruption in their battle to see each other as people and reach into their own deep well of generosity. And usually, they’re too deeply enmeshed in their argument to see beyond their own stance. The interruption by a third party can help both sides get beyond themselves.

When the gate agent thanked me for intervening, I figured I’d give it a try too. I told her I was happy to help, and, followed with, “I know you have so many other people you’re trying to satisfy. And I don’t even know if it’s possible – it’s probably against the rules – but if there is some way you had the ability to upgrade me, some chance of an extra seat in first class, I would be so appreciative. It would make the flight an awesome treat. If there were any way…”

Well, as it turned out, because of the plane equipment problems, the airline had to put us on a different plane, one with larger first class cabin. When we did, she printed me out a new boarding pass, with a new seat assignment. One in first class.

Original post here, by Peter Bregman @ Harvard Business Publishing

I was contacted a few months ago by Adam Glassman, the magazine’s creative director, and asked if I’d like to take part in career makeovers for several women who needed a job. I was thrilled to help, but honestly had some reservations – would the magazine be genuinely interested in helping the women, or just interested in getting a good article?

But on my first visit to the O offices, my doubts were put to rest. The team assigned to this story is determined to see this project all the way through, and the four lucky women they selected are getting every possible assistance in their job search.

First they had complete makeovers at a top New York salon and received fashion tips and new wardrobes, and then the Blue Sky team was called in. I worked with each woman on a new resume and cover letter to truly clarify and communicate their value proposition. Each one had different challenges and different strengths, but when we were done, each one also had a killer resume.

They then worked with our coach Barbara Safani, who taught them networking techniques, conducted a recruiter mailing campaign, and helped with their interviewing skills.

The feedback so far has been good – one woman immediately secured an interview with her new resume, despite having been turned down by the same company only week earlier. But the job search is only just beginning, and the O team are committed to seeing it all the way through. I’m excited to be part of this ongoing process!

If you want to read the story, buy the September issue – cover shown above. The feature starts on page 210.

Go here to see the original: Blue Sky Resumes Blog

I put down the magazine and thought about death.

My mother-in-law, who was in her late sixties, died not long ago after a long battle with cancer; she was first diagnosed in her forties. A few weeks ago I received a call from a friend in her forties, who one morning found a lump in her breast and a few days later had a mastectomy. At lunch last week, a friend told me his business partner came home from vacation feeling a little under the weather; within a week he was dead from an aggressive cancer he never knew he had. That was right after he told me that his father-in-law was recently killed crossing the street.

And now I was reading an article by Atul Gawande about rethinking end of life treatment. Gawande is not just insightful as he explores what doctors should do when they can’t save your life; he’s also vivid. The first line of his article reads: “Sara Thomas Monopoli was pregnant with her first child when her doctors learned that she was going to die.”

I am, as far as I know, thank God, healthy. But somewhere in the middle of that article it suddenly hit me — not just intellectually, but physically and emotionally: I am going to die.

Each year, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics conducts an American Time Use Survey asking thousands of Americans to document how they spend every minute of every day. (The New York Times created a fascinating interactive graphic using the survey as raw material.)

According to the data, most of us spend 20 hours of each day sleeping (8.68 hours/day), working (7.78 hours/day), and watching television (3.45 hours/day). I know: shocking, right? Who sleeps that much?

It’s hard to look at the data and not think about where you fit in. Do you watch more or less television? Do you work longer or shorter hours? It’s a useful and interesting exercise to examine how we spend each minute of the day. To know where we’re devoting our wisdom, our action, our life’s energy.

And yet, where we spend our time only tells us so much. More important, and completely subjective, is what those activities mean to us.

I recently happened upon a short article, Top Five Regrets of the Dying, by Bronnie Ware, who spent many years nursing people who had gone home to die. Their most common regret? “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” Their second most common regret? “I wish I didn’t work so hard.”

There are two ways to address these regrets. One, work less hard and spend your time living a life true to yourself, whatever that means. Or two, work just as hard — harder even — on things you consider to be important and meaningful.

If you put those two regrets together, you realize that what people really regret isn’t simply working so hard, it’s working so hard on things that don’t matter to them. If our work matters to us, if it represents a life true to us, than we will die without the main regrets that haunt the dying. We will have lived more fully.

That doesn’t mean you should sell all your belongings and feed the poor in a foreign country. Well, if that’s true to you, go ahead. But the whole point is that your life needs to be true to you, not what others expect of you.

So the question is, what matters to you?

That’s a critically important question to explore. With yourself and, if you’re a manager, with your employees. What matters to them? Not as a collective, but to each one of them. Of course having a fair salary, enough vacation days, and your respect matters to them. But you know that already. Go deeper.

First, ask about what’s working. What about their daily work matters to them? Why are they doing it? What part of it is a source of pride? What impact do they feel they’re having on people, ideas, or things that are important to them?

Next, ask about what’s neutral. What are they working on that they couldn’t care less about? What doesn’t matter to them? What’s not important?

Finally, ask about what alienates them. What about their work contradicts what matters to them? What makes them feel bad or untrue to themselves? What are they even slightly embarrassed about?

And then, slowly, over time, help them shift where they’re spending their time, so the scale begins to tip in the direction of what matters to them. Some things you won’t be able to change — maybe they’re working for the wrong company. But don’t be afraid to ask the questions. Your workforce, on the whole, will be tremendously more dedicated if they’re working on things that matter to them.

Can everyone spend their time working on things that matter to them? Maybe not. But I remember listening to a nighttime janitor as she spoke with such deep pride about how well she cleaned, how wonderful the office looked after she finished, and how important she felt it was to the people who worked there during the day. So, maybe yes.

There is no objective measure — certainly not money — that determines the value of a particular kind of work to the person who does it. All that matters is that you do work that matters to you.

When I woke up at six in the morning, I looked over at my bedside table where Gawande’s article lay open to the photo of an empty wheelchair with a baby’s happy birthday balloon tied to it, and once again, I felt that rush of fear and dread and sadness spread from the center of my chest to the rest of my body.

So I took a deep breath, got up, took a shower, and sat down to write this blog post. This writing, to me, matters.

See original here, by Peter Bregman @ Harvard Business Publishing

We were going away for the weekend and what Eleanor wanted to know was, could I help with the packing? She shouted from the bedroom, raising her voice enough to be heard between the two rooms. I yelled that I was working on deadline.

She yelled back: could I at least pack the shampoo?

Now that just seemed ridiculous to me. She wanted me to get up from my computer, walk over to the bathroom, grab the shampoo bottle, and put it in our suitcase? She was in the bedroom already packing everything. It would take her ten seconds to do it herself.

“Listen,” I shouted, “can’t you just put the shampoo in the bag? It doesn’t seem like a big deal.”

“Fine” she yelled and as soon as I heard the tone of her voice I knew I had made a critical error. I had missed the entire point of her request. I thought it was about packing the shampoo.

Welcome to the land of clumsy communication, misunderstandings, and unnecessary arguments escalated by not paying enough attention.

On one level, Eleanor’s request was about packing the shampoo. But even then, I had misunderstood what she meant. She thought I hadn’t yet packed my own toiletry kit and was asking if, when I did, I could pack some shampoo into a small bottle for the family. A reasonable request.

On another level, Eleanor’s request had nothing to do with the shampoo. It had to do with the fact that Eleanor is always the one who packs for the family and she’s sick of it. She asked me to pack the shampoo because she needed to feel like she wasn’t the only one packing. Like we were in this together. In some ways, she was being generous by asking me to do something as simple as pack the shampoo. She could have asked me to get all the children’s clothes together. She was being sensitive to my deadline. I’d missed that.

And then there’s the final, deeper and more profound, level — a level impossible to reach in a conversation carried out between two rooms. This, she wondered as she was packing, is how she’s using her Princeton education? Her masters degree? Her role as the packer represented, to her in that moment, the failure of equality, women’s rights, and her own decision-making about her work/family choices.

All those things were packed densely inside her request. But I wasn’t really paying attention. Which is reasonable, since I was in the middle of writing.

Which one of us was right? Resist the temptation to take sides. It doesn’t matter who’s right. It only matters how we communicate, connect, and collaborate.

It’s not unusual to miss the real communication going on behind the words. It’s typical. We’re taught to clearly and rationally express our needs, desires, requests, and expectations. And we’re taught to listen carefully. But how often do we either?

Who’s responsible for making the first move to clear up the miscommunication? Whoever sees it first.

And that’s the real challenge. It’s hard to listen to what someone is saying and understand the real need hidden behind the words. How do we know when there’s something deeper and more significant going on?

My clue, after being jolted by her tone, was Eleanor’s words at least. Could I at least pack the shampoo? There’s an edge to that. A sign that something else is going on.

Here’s another clue: if what’s being said doesn’t seem reasonable, chances are, there’s something deeper. Especially if the person is usually reasonable.

So what should you do? Don’t slam the other person for making no sense. Don’t accuse him of being unreasonable. And don’t make the mistake of telling him what he’s really trying to say. All of that will backfire. Instead, even if you think you know what’s going on, ask a question.

Once I thought I figured it out, I was able to go to Eleanor and, after apologizing, ask her if she was feeling all alone in preparing the family to leave for the weekend.

Yes, she told me, she was. And she hates that feeling. I let her know that I understood and appreciated it. And then I got the shampoo.

When someone expresses a request, demand, assertion, or thought that doesn’t seem to make sense, resist the temptation to react. Instead, pause. Ask yourself what’s going on. Ask the other person.

And if it’s an easy thing to do, then consider just doing it. It’s hard to work so closely with colleagues day in and day out. It’s like a marriage. And in the case of remote workers from multiple cultures and countries, it’s like a long-distance cross-cultural marriage.

Making those work is hard. It helps to cut the other person a little slack. Give him the benefit of the doubt. “Be kind,” a common saying goes, “for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

The nice thing about that perspective, that compassion, is that it doesn’t just make other people’s lives easier. It makes our own easier too.

The original post is here, by Peter Bregman @ Harvard Business Publishing